Secrets of my mind

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang! BANG!

(Source: strahotskis)

28

Jan. '12

note to self.

*conscience speaking*

don’t fall for your best friend.

just don’t.

don’t manage his basketball team.

don’t love him. it’s not fair for you.

he’s not yours.

he doesn’t see you the way you see him.

________________________________

i guess i’ve always loved you.

i hate when you’re hurting.

i don’t know why you only cry to me.

but don’t. stop crying to me.

it hurts me also.

i wish i could take away your pain.

i hate seeing you like this.

please don’t hate yourself.

hate me instead.

12

Jan. '12

dear brandon,

hmmm… what to say to the BEST best friend EVER? ( I literally have so many things to say but I don’t think everything I want to say will work out. I”ll forget/leave things out…lol)

firstly, I want you tot know how proud I am of you for choosing Kairos. You are hereb ecause God wants you to be here. It’s only day 2 but I can swear on our friendship that it only gets beter. :) If you haven’t already done so, open up and be vulnerable witht hese people. By the end of this weekeend, they will truly become your brothers. Kairos is a great opportunity to discover yourself and examine your relationship wiht God. Essentially, it will help you grow as a person, but only if you let that happen. Okay, enough of the pep talk. TIme to get up close and personal :) I cannot believe that we’ve been friends for 14 years! Where has time gone? Thank you for everything you’ve done for me in the past 14 years. I honestly don’t know what I did in my past life to get such a n amazing person to call my very own best friend. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you mean to me. I value you and our firendship so much. I’ve had lots of friends throughout the years but no one quite like you. What makes you so different? WHy do you stand out? For a while there, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. But this year, I found the answer to both of those questions.

You are super special. You are the most kind and caring person I’ve ever met. YOu are selfless, humble, patient, forgiving, understanding, brilliantly insightful, and filled with fiath and I can only hope to be half as awesome as you are one day. Even though you are younger than me, I truly look up to you. Every time I look at you, I htink “wow , why is he so cool?” You always make me so proud. YOur ability to touch and inspire others is truly incredible and I hope now you understand a little bit of the tremendous respect I have for you.

Another reason why our relationship is so unique is because we clearly love and care for each other without having a romantic interest in one another. It takes so much to achieve a friendship level like that. Our relationship goes beyond that of a romoantic one and I am extremely blessed to have you in my life. :)

I dont know/remember what happened to us in the middle of high school but losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. I know that we’ve never talked about it much but it did happen and it sucked. Shortly after I had lostyou, I was diagnosed with depression. I know I haven’t told you this but I don’t like to appear “weak” in front of you. MY depression got worse and worse and by the time we were juniors, I almost did the unthinkable. I attempted to take my own life in November of 2010(a couple days before my won Kairos). I know now that attempting suicide was very selfish of me, but my reason for doing so was because I hated feeling so hurt and lonely all the time. Everyone I called my “friend”/best friend left me. But you didn’t. YOu stayed even when I thought that becoming friends, let alone best friends again, was impossible. you were there for me. you forgave me for letting you go and you never brought up the time I lost you. I’ve always wanted to have a one on one talk about what happened but sometimes I’m thankful that we don’t talk about it. Whether you forgave me or if we just started our friendship all over, I’m just incredibly thankful that you are in my life again. People always ssay that “You never know what you had until it”s gone” and I believe that this statement has never proven to be more true. There is one positivie outcome that came from me losing you and that is me realizing how much I needed to ahve you in my life. Since you’ve come back , I promised to never lose you again. I value you too much to let that happen a second time. You are the most important person in my life and I”ll never love anyone the way I love you.

Anyways, I know you’ll go far in life because you are aweosme like herthat. I’m not going to say “don’t change” because I know you will but I also know that you’re going to change for the better. HOwever, I am going to say “don’t forget”. don’t forget all the awesome times we had in pre-k up until now, like playing yugioh cards in 3rd grade, or thinking we were “gangsters” in 6th grade (LOL JOHNATHAN AKA DJ PRODIJE»>AKA LOSER), or breaking the statue of mary at myg randma’s house (…fail), or playing online bowling games at tnight using “get cozy ” as our password, or suing the word “sexy” all the time and thinking nothing of it, or scaring Vick at R.E. on Wednesday nights, or texting each other every day at any given time when you were in California for a month. THe inside jokes are endless but you know what? SO is our friendship.

Thank you for always being there for me. Thanks for wiping my tears away when I cried about my grandma moving back to vietnam. thanks for hugging me when iw as sad about my mom’s surgery. thanks for always listening to me vent. thanks for forgiving me and for coming back into my life. thank you for always being a great role model. you are indeed one of a kind. i am here for you just as you’ve been here for me for the past 14 years. i’ve had many doubts about many different things. but on thing i do believe in is our friendship. i love you so much, brandon. forever and always.

10

Jan. '12

Ahhhh endless thoughts

1. I love being basketball manager. I love the boys. I love Joe Edmonds. I love them all.

2. I am content that I chose basketball managing over glee club and choir.

3. Today I applied to be a kairos leader and I’m extra nervous. I hope I get in.

4. Today I had a chat with some popular kids at my school and they were encouraging me to go to parties sometime. I politely declined but somehow I wish I had just said yes. They thought I would fit in well and that I would get along with everyone.

5. I think Mr. Worthington is good looking and attractive but that may be because of his accent.. I think Coach Fisher is attractive but that’s because I think he’s hot.

6. I like Luis Lopez. He’s got swag. He’s probably the chillest person I know. I hate when he gets hurt though or when any players get hurt for that matter..

7. But Camden always manages to find a way back into my heart. I wish he would disappear from my life sometimes. Things would be less complicated then. But of course, I wouldn’t be happy if he were not a part of my life. How can someone’s touch make you feel so hot inside and nervous? How can just one look make me turn bright red in the span of 2 seconds? How can the thought of him make my heart race? How can everything he says and does make me feel giddy all the time? I’m confused. But whether he’s taken or not, I can’t get over him. I know everyone thinks he’s bad and dumb and cocky but he isn’t. Not in my eyes. He’s gentle, caring, insecure, sensitive, thoughtful, and genuine. He’s always flirting with me but to be honest I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just love talking to him. He is indeed my ideal guy and he has set the bar high for future crushes and boyfriends. I wish people didn’t hate him. I wish I didn’t like him either.

8. I really love Grace Aguilera. It’s kinda become an obsession. She’s so sweet and funny and beautiful, inside and out.

9. I love Olivia Morris also. How can someone be so cool? I’ll never know. But she’s a boss and I love bonding with her.

10. We have a damn timed writing tomorrow. Fuck AP English second semester.

11. I like basketball because it has brought me closer to the guys and my friends. They are like family to me and I am extremely protective of them.

12. Today I talked to Chris Johnson about closet whores lol..

13. I really need to fucking do my kairos letters… Wellshitttt

That’s it for now. I feel like I had more to say but I guess it was mainly about Camden. Not surprised… What if he found my blog! ? That would be tragic.

01

Jan. '12